What is all this talk about “helicopter parents?" Is this a new phenomenon or just a trendy term to describe over protective parents? And is this not an awfully judgmental term for what most parents strive to do—protect their children and prepare them for success in school, and ultimately, in life.
Before we dive more fully into this discussion, it is important to define what it meant by being a "helicopter parent." As defined by Wikipedia, this is "a parent who pays extremely close attention to his or her child’s experiences and problems. These parents rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling their children and won’t let them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children's wishes. They are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach of their child.”
Many child health experts believe that to raise successful children, the child must be allowed to do for themselves what they can do or are almost capable of doing, make some of their own decisions, and even make some mistakes along the way. This seems quite simple, and yet there are some factors in our society that make this task difficult despite best efforts.
First is the media. The world does seem like a dangerous place for children when watching the nightly news or reading the paper. Hovering nearby seems necessary to prevent the next injury, the next illness, or even more serious harm to the child.
Second is technology. Technology allows us to “hover” as children now carry cell phones, parents can text children and children can text parents for instant help and reassurance, nurseries are equipped with video cameras, parents have access to a child’s test scores at school, etc. There is no doubt that technology can be a good thing, but some of the examples above can lead to an unhealthy level of dependence.
Third is the tendency towards smaller family size giving a parent more time to spend with any one child. Often this degree of attention could make a parent so invested psychologically with their child, that they are unable to set limits or make the hard decisions to step back and let their child learn by failure at times. Small family size is not a new thing either. Sometimes this results in grandparents being so close to their children (now parents) that new parents feel judged if not protecting their children enough or not having them in enough activities. This leads to more hovering, and potentially, feelings of guilt.
And a final contributor may be an underlying anxiety disorder (medical diagnosis) in the parent. Though medication and counseling are often helpful, some parents resist this diagnosis and go untreated.
So what can a parent do? These days, parents feel responsible for who their child is to become and want to control the process as much as possible. Yet growing up must involve a child separating themselves from their parents and doing much of their blossoming themselves.
* Primarily, stand back a bit and give your child breathing room. Let your child try and fail at times, even if it hurts you, the parent, a little. Allow your child to do more for themselves and only interfere when something is truly dangerous or the child is not developmentally capable of making certain decisions. Ask your spouse or partner to help by observing each other’s efforts in this area. Their feedback will be invaluable.
*Develop self awareness. Having a clear understanding of your own personality, how you were raised, your values, your fears, your strengths and your weaknesses will allow you make changes in your child rearing practices if you feel they are necessary.
*Place limits on the role of media in your home and be a good role model when it comes to setting limits on the use of technology (i.e. cellphones, iPads, TV time).
*If you believe you have an anxiety disorder, ask for help from your physician, but also inform your pediatrician. The pediatrician can work with you so that you do not raise your child “vulnerably.” A child raised to be vulnerable will lack the very self esteem you wished for them to have in the first place.
For those who choose to have a smaller family, try not to hover. For those who have yet to decide how large a family they wish to have, remember, there are few things in life that we can have more of that will provide the satisfaction of children----and sometimes, perhaps paradoxically, less attention on any one child, can help him or her in the long run to be more self sufficient and successful.
By Dr. Richard Lazaroff, Esse Health Pediatrician
11630 Studt Avenue, Suite 200
Creve Coeur, MO 63141
Phone: 314-567-7337
