Congratulations. You are going to be a grandparent. Recently, I had that experience for the first time. People have probably told you it’s better than being a parent. You get to play with them but can give them back when you want. Is it really that simple? What about those rules about grandparenting that you must abide by? Let’s knock those out first, then discuss the opportunities. The following list appeared on grandparents.com as the 7 unbreakable laws of grandparenting though I have changed some of the wording.
1. Do not give advice unless asked. This is pretty obvious. New parents often receive a constant stream of unsolicited advice from relatives, friends, and even strangers at the grocery store. I tell parents to inform their parents (the grandparents) that it is now their turn to make the best decisions they can. By the way, when is it ever a good idea to give unsolicited advice to anyone about anything. However, there is a silver lining here. Your children are now young adults and have probably called lately for advice about money, a leaky faucet, or a job interview. They are now facing the most important job of their life, raising their child, and they will be calling for advice frequently. That will be the best time to give it.
2. Your grandchild will feel like he/she is “yours”, but they are not. This is the toughest one in my opinion because it is TRUE. When we get to opportunities, I will suggest that if your relationship with your grandchild’s parents is based on trust (not money or help offered, obligation, or guilt), there will be many unique opportunities to nurture your grandchild in a healthy manner.
3. Follow the parents’ rules. When you are babysitting, you may find yourself questioning the parents' instructions for care. This is particularly true when the instructions or technologies used are different from when your last child was born. Remember that nobody knows your grandchild better than his or her parents. Sure, some of the newest information on child-rearing will only change again, but let them rely on the advice of their pediatricians and reliable websites. Three that you should visit include: www.aap.org, www.immunize.org, and www.babycenter.com.
4. Accept your role. I would not worry about this one. They say you are a relief pitcher. What is the matter with that? Bruce Sutter is in the Hall of Fame. I have families in my practice where the “assigned” role for the grandparents is huge in terms of time committed (daily daycare). Others babysit to give their kids a night out. Whatever the role, embrace it.
5. It is not a competition. Here they are talking about competing with the other set of grandparents. Get over it. The “little boy or girl” can only be better off if more people love them. Sharing a grandchild has allowed my wife and I to have another couple that we consider best friends.
6. Respect boundaries. Being a grandparent can create boundary issues that can be crossed. Your life as a grandparent should be about your life, not that of your child’s. My rule of thumb is whether I would have wanted my own parents to be involved in a particular activity, decision, or life event. This rule means there are some things and events I should never miss and others I might choose not to be involved in.
7. Let go of all expectations. This a good suggestion in life, but especially in your closest relationships. Most of us have experiences where people or life circumstances do not meet our expectations. Being a grandparent is similar to all new experiences. It has highs and lows. It will be unpredictable. It will change you, and if you have the right attitude, those changes can be for the best whatever the circumstances.
Enough for the rules, I am really more interested in the opportunity to share time, be a good role model, and perhaps mentor my grandchild. However, whether or not this will happen may depend on the very rules we just reviewed. Following those rules to the best of your ability should result in TRUST.
TRUST comes up in my office frequently during the adolescent years. When an adolescent has made a poor decision, in addition to dolling out an appropriate punishment, a parent needs to quickly give that same child a chance to prove themselves trustworthy moving forward. It is nearly impossible to raise an adolescent that cannot be trusted.
With grandparenting, we have turned the tables. We now wish to have our children’s trust with their most valued “possession”. Once we accomplish this, we can watch our grandchildren develop, see the world again through a child’s eyes, provide encouragement and support to both our grandchild and their parents, and maybe be allowed to have them spend the night so that we are the one present to hold them when they wake up in the morning in their crib.
