Recently a mother asked me what do about her three year old son who preferred to play with dolls. It is a “bigger” question than most that I am asked, and an opportunity to guide families toward an outcome where a child can feel good about himself or herself.
The answer to the question begins with understanding gender. It is both biology (chromosomes) and a matter of how society defines sexual roles. When a child's behavior does not match masculine or feminine norms, we call that gender variance. By age two, most children know if they are boys or girls and by three years of age, they know that boys play with cars and that girls play with dolls. As they enter school, children have learned how boys and girls are expected to behave in social situations.
It is normal for children to have some interest in the activities, toys, clothes of the opposite sex. However, it becomes more notable if the child prefers opposite sex playmates, wishes to wear clothing of the opposite sex, or identifies exclusively with the opposite sex parent. In other words, if the interests become a persistent part of daily life. Parenting to steer these children to more appropriate interests for their sex is not likely to be successful and sets the child up for poor self-esteem and shame. When the child is of school age, these behaviors or interests may result in peers excluding them in activities, or worse yet, they are often bullied.
It is important to remember that a child’s gender variance does not predict sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is not important to a young child. It is only as they get older that children are aware of which sex they find attractive and the object of their sexual interests. Gender variant children may ultimately choose partners of the same sex, opposite sex, or both sexes.
So, what is a parent to do when they have concerns that their child may be gender variant?
- Make sure your home is a safe haven. Both parents (and extended family and siblings when possible) need to accept the child and allow them to make choices that make them happy. As with all our children, the goal is self-esteem. It may be very hard on a parent to accept these behaviors because of how he or she was raised. Counseling may be helpful to gain an understanding of their own emotions. Remember, there is nothing you or your spouse did to make your child gender variant and there is no benefit to assigning fault. There is also no benefit in trying to re-direct your child’s interests.
- Listen to your child. A child needs to know they can say anything to you without being judged. Validate their feelings and their interests. They need to know that there is no one way to be a boy or girl. Do not pressure your child to change. If you do, they will simply hide their feelings and feel ashamed.
- Encourage activities and toys that are consistent with your child’s interests. A parent cannot willfully change a boy’s interests by signing him up for soccer or football if he really prefers to take dance classes. Nor can we change a girl’s interest by not allowing her to wrestle or play ice hockey and insist on a cooking class. Your child may need help in navigating some social situations where their gender variant behavior is likely to stand out.
- Advocate with your school or daycare. Encourage your school to have a curriculum about diversity and a social skill development program. Classmates can be taught that bullying is wrong. Your child should know that he or she can go to an adult for help if bullied.
- Avoid labels. We would not want to label children as stutterers or bedwetters. Nor should we refer to a child’s behavior as acting like a boy or a girl.
Remember, the overarching goal of raising children is for them to have good self-esteem and resilience. Ultimately, they will be more prepared for all they will encounter in life if they have those two characteristics.
